Wednesday, December 5, 2007

I want a smaller plate!

I have heard, and really try to believe, that God will not put more on our plates that we can each handle, but it feels sometimes like I've got a damned platter here while others are carrying around saucers... now, I know that I have been blessed with great inner strength, and I have been through some things that would have pushed others over the edge - and I've become a better person for what I've endured, but come on... where does it end??

I found out that I didn't get the deployment to Hawaii - they opted to use the LTC who is already going to be in Oahu, 'cause then they don't have to pay travel expenses (which B says is a huge thing when you're looking at TDY), but the LTC out at Ft Shafter said that I'd be at the top of his list in case the LTC cancels or has his plans changed, or if they need someone in the future, so maybe... I might just get there after all, just not this Christmas (which is fine anyway, because Little Man was upset at the idea that I may be gone for Christmas and - more importantly - his birthday).

Since the 2nd miscarriage, when I started reading The Secret and working on my visualization journal, I have been having this internal monologue about remaining positive, having tolerance and understanding, etc. Perfect example was yesterday - I was at the UPS store for over an hour getting the motorcycle parts wrapped, boxed and sent off to Robbie's shop... I remained pleasant and cheerful during the entire ordeal (not that it was THAT unpleasant, but still, standing in place for over an hour for much of anything - especially when it's going to cost you $200 - gets old pretty quick); by the time I got out of there, it was time to go back to work (I was working in F'ville) and I was starting to get hungry... I haven't had much of an appetite the last couple of weeks, but my tummy was growling so I figured that I'd just pop in the Food Lion next door and grab some crackers or something. Well, there were at least 8 customers waiting to check out and all of 2 lines open - a "regular" line and one with a huge sign that said, "Express Lane 12 Items or Less" - so I got in the express lane, since I had 3 things to buy. The couple in front of me had 4 items; the lady in front of them had at least 30 things in her cart. Guess she didn't want to wait in the proper line... now, usually, this would piss me off and I would be shooting icy stares (ok... to be honest, I did give her the ol' evil eye a time or two before I got control of myself!) and mentally cursing her out - but instead, I had this mental dialog and managed to calm myself down nicely and even feel pretty good.

Then, one of my last appointments of the day was a 6 month old shih tzu puppy - she was a runt and the breeders apparently gave her away. The owner's in-laws got her as a gift for the girl when her husband was deployed - to keep her company. She had had her 1st vaccine from the breeder, but that had been back in Sept, and she'd not been vaccinated again. With it being Christmas and all, money was tight, so we were only doing 3 vaccines - distemper, corona and rabies. This little pup weighed all of 3.5# but was cute as a button, all playful and sweet. I gave the vaccines and was chatting with the owner for a few minutes - she was gathering up her stuff to leave and the pup was lying sternally on the table, and I noticed that she kinda swayed sideways... that's NOT normal... I picked her up and tried to get her to stand - she wouldn't. She acted like she was drunk. Not good! Then she started retching... so I took her back into the treatment area and gave her a shot of Benedryl and some Reglan - she puked up some mucous and then collapsed. Her gums went a pale greyish color and her heart rate dropped; she never had any difficulty breathing, nor did she have any facial swelling, but it was definitely a vaccine reaction - I've never had a dog do this before!! We got her onto oxygen and finally managed to get an IV catheter in... she got epi (when the girls finally managed to find it - yep, that's right... they didn't know where it was - finally had to call the office manager, come to find out it was in the fridge... WTH?!), Dex and more Benedryl IV, and we started fluids. About 10 minutes later, she was sitting up and trying to get away from the oxygen; she seemed tired, but that could have been from the Benedryl. The owner didn't have the money to take her to Urgent Care for overnight monitoring, so I gave her instructions to try to get thru the night (she's a medic in the Nat'l Guard so at least she had some supplies at home and some basic medical knowledge). I'll have to call today to see how she did overnight.

I didn't get home until 8:30pm, and I was just worn out - this emotional stuff is really draining! I went to give Houdini his Baytril and he was cold and very lethargic; he didn't fight me at ALL which was unusual. I started checking him over and he seemed very thin and terribly dehydrated. How could I have missed this?? I've handled him at least twice a day since he got hurt!! How did I NOT notice that he was going downhill? Yes, I know, like I tell clients all the time, animals are great compensators, but still... I tried to force feed him but he wouldn't swallow, so that was difficult at best. I warmed him up and gave him warm SQ fluids, but it didn't help. He died in my hands last night about 10pm. The worst of it is having to tell Middle Child what happened. He's going to be devastated... I know that kids bounce back, but still - he loves that little furbaby and Middle Child is by far my most sensitive child! And then there's the whole issue of the little girl who is supposed to be getting Houdini for Christmas! I don't know WHAT to do about that!! I guess I'll be calling the unidentified numbers in my cell phone and hope that one of them belongs to them. This is just NOT FAIR!! But, then, I guess no one ever promised me that life would be fair.

With all of the negativity, there HAS also been some positive stuff that keeps me going. I got an email a couple of days ago from my sister offering to be our surrogate. I was absolutely stunned. Of course, I had been praying that she'd volunteer, but didn't really expect it. I remember that she had awful morning sickness with Little T (though I think it was less with the others), but she's been thru a lot lately, and has a new bf, etc. Even so, I HAD responded to one of her emails with a statement that we were going to look for a new surro and I wish I knew someone who could carry the baby for us - and, yes, that was designed to make her think about it - but i didn't hear anything for several days, so I figured she was letting it pass on by, which was fine... and then she offered. Turns out, she tells me, that her "knee jerk reaction" was to volunteer but she forced herself to think about it for a few days and do some research into what is involved! That's just like her! Unlike me who just follows my heart and jumps in without much consideration for the consequences, she doesn't volunteer to do anything unless she knows what's involved. Anyway, we're obviously waiting on the results of the genetic testing of the fetal tissue before we do anything, but if/when that comes back ok, I guess we'll go through the initial testing stuff with M (the blood work screening, the saline u/s, the psych eval if they insist on doing one) and if that's all wnl, we'll move forward. As she said, there are about 4 million details to work out - most importantly insurance and protecting her business, but I had already worked through that one in my head - but we'll get to those in time. The cycle for a frozen transfer is short... about 3 wks from the start of her period - so I'm hopeful that we might be able to transfer in March or April if all goes well.

One thing The Secret "taught" me... if you worry about how you're going to get to your goal, you will keep getting more reason to worry - focus on the end results; "how" you get there is not your job - that's up to the Universe to figure out. I read that Sunday night before I went to bed, and after I put the book aside I lay there visualizing the baby in the bassinet, holding her, feeding her, etc. Monday morning, my sister's email was in my mailbox.... so in the face of these trials, I try to push past it and focus on the positive. But, damn, sometimes it's so difficult... like with Houdini - there's just no sense in it. I know it's not my job to make sense of it - and test me all you want to 'cause I can handle it - but this is testing Richard, too. And that hurts me even more. I've always said he's just like me, and he's already been through quite a lot for his age... he's going to be the strong one. I just kind-of wish he didn't have to be... not just yet.