Monday, November 26, 2007

I've been very despondent tonight -

I REALLY wanted this baby and my heart is broken right now. I talked to B and asked if we could perhaps take a few months to get things back to normal,take time to regroup and think things out, then consider using the frozen embryos.

R did send me an email telling me that she thinks she's done with surrogacy - the m/c have been too hard for her to handle emotionally - she doesn't think she can go through it again. So, trying again will also mean finding a new surrogate, and that part I don't particularly care for, but I certainly am trying to understand what R is going through; I've never miscarried myself, but those WERE my babies that she lost. So, I figure we'll get through the next 2 or 3 months then see how we feel. B says we'll do "whatever you want to do." Right now, I'm not entirely sure what that means...

I need some time to think, to pray, to reflect... my heart is broken, again - how many more times can I stand to go through this?? But, there's also the possibility that we'll have our child, and then it will be well worth the heartache I've endured. At the top of my list of things to do... find a new church. I am so disillusioned with the Catholics right now, that I don't want to be a part of that -thank you so much Ms. K!! - but I need to get back to God because I feel that hole in my life. That will be at the top of my list...

Who knows what is to come in 2008. There's still the chance for a baby, but maybe we'll decide that this ISN'T what we need to pursue... I'm trying to keep an open mind and yet still follow my heart.

Excuse my rambling... I've taken valium - all I want to do right now is sleep - and it's kicking in at last - mercifully...

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