Sunday, July 8, 2007

It almost seems unreal

R had the D&E on Friday morning - she said that the procedure only took about 30 minutes; she had it done under spinal anesthesia because she didn't want to be asleep or sedated - control issue for her apparently. She said that there were several of her co-workers there and they took good care of her. She went home and slept all afternoon, got up for a few hours and then slept all night. She went back to work on Saturday and says that she feels alright for the most part - her back is sore and she's very tired, but otherwise no awful symptoms.

I started to cry in Walmart yesterday, in the baby department - I was looking for one of those white noise machines to send to B's niece for her new baby, and it just made my heart hurt. I want to be buying things for OUR baby, not for someone else's... maybe this fall.... we'll see. It's strange how things have changed. I was resigned to the fact that I was done with having children. I'd even given up on the idea of adoption, and had decided that I was happy with the boys. And now, I want this baby so badly that it's a major distraction and I wonder how long it will take my heart to heal if it doesn't come to be. There's a little part of me that sees that as a possibility, but for the most part, I still believe that this is going to work - I feel like this round was the "dues" that we had to pay to have the baby, because it shouldn't work the first time - no one should have it that easy (ok, that sounds stupid, but that's how I feel about it). I think that it will work next time. I've always felt that we couldn't get pregnant until the fall because we need a summer baby... I've already got 2 in January, so the next baby has to be due in June - LOL. Again, crazy, but there it is.

I think that this whole thing has been a bit more difficult for R than for us. I mean, we've been on that emotional roller coaster, too, but we didn't have the physical aspect of it to deal with. I wasn't pregnant, I didn't miscarry, I didn't have to have a D&E. It's not that I don't care - I do - very much! But, I think it's been easier for B and I to move on, to look ahead, because we didn't have to deal with that part of it. That was R's burden, and it shouldn't have been that way. She shouldn't have had to go through that much for MY baby. I suppose that's a risk that is accepted by the surrogates, but it just seems such a heavy burden to bear. R says that it never really occurred to her that she could miscarry - she figured it was either positive or negative, but didn't really think about the possibility that she could get pregnant and then lose the baby. She knows that's a naive way of thinking, but I can't blame her - I'm afraid that I probably would have had the same thought process. She's worried about the fall, but hopes that, since we've already "paid our dues" so to speak, that this next time will go off without a hitch. I sure hope so!!