Sunday, July 29, 2007

The state of things

There really hasn't been much going on here except for work. I was in Portland for Academy from July 15 through the 20th. It wasn't as bad as I expected, which was nice. Dr. V made it sound unbearable. It was a LOT of lecture, a LOT of sitting... but not as much "cheerleading" as I was anticipating. Lots of good information, actually. I feel much better about working for Banfield now!

R went to her OB and was cleared to cycle again as soon as AF arrives. She thinks it should be in about a week. I called NCCRM and talked to Eman - she told me that transfer will be roughly 2 wks from the time that R gets AF. Looks like we're aiming for early October (funny thing about that - I got pregnant with Richard the 1st week of October, so this baby will be due in late June... I've always said that I can only have kids 2 times/year - January and June.) I've been told to start poas to detect my LH surge. Last time was such a drag... "is the test line as dark or darker than the reference line?". This time I found DIGITAL tests at Target. They're a lot more expensive ($30 for 7 tests), but it's a circle or a smiley face... not at all subjective. So far, all I've gotten is circles. I really think that we just missed it and it will be 3+ weeks before I get a positive test result. When that day finally comes, I have to wait a week and then have a progesterone draw. If it indicates that I have ovulated (result > 2) then I will wait another week and have an FSH/E2 draw, at which time I will start on BCPs (yay) and we'll go from there.

I was talking to a girl at work the other day - she currently works at Acupuncture Center of the Sandhills - and I casually asked if they do acupuncture for fertility. "Oh, yeah" she replied, "it's great for that." So, I called and made an appointment - the soonest I could get in was the end of August due to my work schedule. I also emailed R and asked if she would be up for acupuncture. She agreed... she's willing to do anything to make this work. My co-worker is going to ask her docs for a reference, R is asking around as well. R posted on SMO and got several positive responses from others who have tried acupuncture for transfer. I figure it can't hurt, right? This time HAS to work.

B and I spent all day together. We were terribly lazy until about 1pm (which was SO nice) and then we did cats for AAMC. Now we're being lazy again, lying here and watching "Shark Week" on Discovery Channel. It's not often that we have nothing much to do. If we decide to sell the house, we'll have very little time without something that needs to be done!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Banfield Academy

So, this week I'm in Portland at Banfield's New Doctor Academy where they spend a week brainwashing us to practice medicine "the Banfield way"... LOL

Actually, I've already learned quite a bit and, Dr. V was right, there's a lot of research and solid foundation behind their principles and protocols. It reminds me much of OBLC - they are cramming WAY too much information into WAY too short a time, but I guess that's just the way the world works these days. We're in class from 7:30am until 5:30 or 6:00pm; we have mandatory dinners with food companies and drug reps after that and it's generally 10pm before we get back to the hotel (and that's only because I don't go out with the group that continues partying until 2 or 3am). Tonight we're on our own for dinner and entertainment. I briefly (and I do mean briefly) considered going out tonight but then gave thought as to what I would really LIKE to do - and that came down to ordering room service and eating it here in my jammies... so that's the plan. Boring, I know, but I can blame it on my "advancing age".

My biggest issue - they have WAY too much food available. Being owned by Mars, Inc. there are M&Ms everywhere, and trail mix, dried fruit and pretzels available 24/7 as well as sodas, coffee, tea and water. It's hard to not eat it when it's there - and 'cause we're doing nothing but sitting on our butts and listening to lecture - what we lovingly called "death by Power Point" back in vet school. Regardless of what you choose to eat - pretzels and dried fruit/nuts, in moderation, really aren't bad for you - but eating all day every day can't be good!! My goal for tomorrow is simple... no snacking between meals! I always feel full and vaguely nauseous, but it's almost as if I can't stop myself from snacking - JUST BECAUSE IT'S THERE!! My willpower has always been crappy....

Oh, well - tomorrow IS another day, right??

Sunday, July 8, 2007

It almost seems unreal

R had the D&E on Friday morning - she said that the procedure only took about 30 minutes; she had it done under spinal anesthesia because she didn't want to be asleep or sedated - control issue for her apparently. She said that there were several of her co-workers there and they took good care of her. She went home and slept all afternoon, got up for a few hours and then slept all night. She went back to work on Saturday and says that she feels alright for the most part - her back is sore and she's very tired, but otherwise no awful symptoms.

I started to cry in Walmart yesterday, in the baby department - I was looking for one of those white noise machines to send to B's niece for her new baby, and it just made my heart hurt. I want to be buying things for OUR baby, not for someone else's... maybe this fall.... we'll see. It's strange how things have changed. I was resigned to the fact that I was done with having children. I'd even given up on the idea of adoption, and had decided that I was happy with the boys. And now, I want this baby so badly that it's a major distraction and I wonder how long it will take my heart to heal if it doesn't come to be. There's a little part of me that sees that as a possibility, but for the most part, I still believe that this is going to work - I feel like this round was the "dues" that we had to pay to have the baby, because it shouldn't work the first time - no one should have it that easy (ok, that sounds stupid, but that's how I feel about it). I think that it will work next time. I've always felt that we couldn't get pregnant until the fall because we need a summer baby... I've already got 2 in January, so the next baby has to be due in June - LOL. Again, crazy, but there it is.

I think that this whole thing has been a bit more difficult for R than for us. I mean, we've been on that emotional roller coaster, too, but we didn't have the physical aspect of it to deal with. I wasn't pregnant, I didn't miscarry, I didn't have to have a D&E. It's not that I don't care - I do - very much! But, I think it's been easier for B and I to move on, to look ahead, because we didn't have to deal with that part of it. That was R's burden, and it shouldn't have been that way. She shouldn't have had to go through that much for MY baby. I suppose that's a risk that is accepted by the surrogates, but it just seems such a heavy burden to bear. R says that it never really occurred to her that she could miscarry - she figured it was either positive or negative, but didn't really think about the possibility that she could get pregnant and then lose the baby. She knows that's a naive way of thinking, but I can't blame her - I'm afraid that I probably would have had the same thought process. She's worried about the fall, but hopes that, since we've already "paid our dues" so to speak, that this next time will go off without a hitch. I sure hope so!!

Friday, July 6, 2007

Moving on

R went to her OB today and they've scheduled her for a D&E tomorrow morning when she gets off work. He explained what she could expect, and they're going to do a spinal for anesthesia (she's not fond of being "put out"). They told her that she should be fine to return to work on Saturday, so she'll only be out for the one day (tomorrow) - of course, tomorrow was a double shift, so that will hurt a little, but our contract stipulates that she receive $500 for a medically necessary abortion, which I suppose the D&E qualifies for.

I think that I'm going to have something shipped to her - flowers just aren't worth the money, but maybe something from Hersheys.com... I'll see what I can come up with tonight. I'd really like to get it to her in the next few days.

The doc told her that she can expect to have a period in about 4 weeks, and we can transfer at the next cycle which should be in early September, or October at the latest. Guess it'll be a summer baby instead of a winter one, but that's alright, too. I've got 2 winter boys already and 1 born in the summer. I kinda thought that we were due a summer baby anyway!!

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

The official ending

R drove up to Cary for her final ultrasound with this pregnancy. Nothing had changed except Dr M thought that the gestational sac is a bit smaller than it was last week. No cardiac activity seen. R was told to stop her medications and see her OB about what to do next. She's been taking this real hard - sometimes I think that she's had a harder time dealing with the loss than we have and it's OUR baby. But, perhaps that's the problem... SHE lost OUR baby and she feels responsible. We all KNOW it's the genetics that caused this, but she still felt a responsibility to nurture this child and deliver her to us, healthy and happy at the end of the 9 months. Well, hopefully next time...

She called her OB's office to get an appointment and the receptionist told her that they could see her in August!! AS IF... She said, "did you understand what I just told you about what's going on?" End result, she's going in on Thursday for a consult and they'll decide where to go from there. She doesn't want to just wait around for this to pass on it's own - she'd rather go ahead and have the D&E, get it over with and move on. We all know that she has to go through a complete miscarriage, then have a "normal" period the next month, before we can cycle again. She just wants to get this failed attempt behind us - and so do we.

I'm still on the DHEA and guess that I'll stay on it until after the 2nd retrieval. I've also got to get back to my candle meditation. There's a part of me that feels like the pregnancy failed because I got lazy and stopped the meditations. First, healing thoughts for R and the process she's about to go through. Then, fertile thoughts for my lazy ovaries so we can get lots of eggies. Finally, pregnancy vibes with the phases of the moon. Dedication, commitment, persistence, belief - it's going to take them all to get this done.