Thursday, June 21, 2007

Stop the ride... I wanna get off!!

R called me this morning to tell me that she sneaked a quickie u/s last night at work. They saw a single sac and fetal pole, and it's not ectopic (whew!!). They couldn't pick up a heartbeat, but she said that the OB doing the scan wasn't familiar with the antiquated machine that they were using and if we had a late implanter, then she's not even 6 weeks along and there's only a 60% chance that they'd be able to pick up a heartbeat anyway. So that was GOOD news.

Then, this afternoon, our coordinator at NCCRM called to tell me that R's beta was 1413 - that's down from Monday's number... they want to repeat again on Friday. I was heartbroken when I got the call, and of course the bad things always seem to happen when I'm separated from my husband. He's in Kentucky until Saturday!!

I talked to R briefly and she kept apologizing, as if she's done something wrong. We all know that, if something bad has happened, it's my chromosomes. But, she feels so compelled to have this baby - the stress must be damn near debilitating at times for her! She called me back later in the afternoon to ask what I thought about NOT repeating the blood work on Friday and just waiting for the u/s on Sunday. Her theory was that is was not going to make a difference to the immediate treatment plan - e.g. she's going to continue meds until we have a more compelling case that things have gone south - and the beta numbers are just making us all batty. I agreed with her, and called and left our coordinator a message to that effect. We'll have the u/s on Sunday and if they don't see a heartbeat, then we'll have another beta done to see where we stand. If the beta has dropped significantly, then we'll have to accept that we've lost the baby. If it has NOT dropped, or has risen, then we will repeat the u/s in a week.

I feel like I'm on a freakin' emotional roller coaster, and I've had enough. The stress is making me sick, literally and figuratively. B, in his usual fashion, says not to worry. "It's not over" he says... have faith. I'm trying desperately to do so. I think that, as a society, we're so over done with technology, you know? If R were pregnant with her own child, she would have peed on a stick and gotten a BFP, then nothing until she went to her first OB appointment 6 weeks later. Unless she started her period during that time, she wouldn't know what the damn beta number was doing!! Sometimes I think that all of this advancement in technology is more of a curse than a blessing.

I made tea for the "boys" and offered them strawberries and incense; I did a bit of meditating as well, sending growing and loving energy to our little bean, urging her to sit tight for the next 7+ months. B called Ladda and asked her to talk to the monks on our behalf. We've done all we can do. It's in God's hands now...